Pregnancy Tests and Baby Blues

It can be a very personal subject and one I haven't known how to discuss. Pregnancy troubles. Or, more specifically, struggling to get pregnant. 

It's been a hard journey to be on and one I hesitate to share with others; I've only been married for ten months, have not dedicated myself to certain timing methods, and am very healthy and well. I've been afraid to share because we haven't visited a doctor or even bought prenatal vitamins -- but when you're as newly married, healthy and young as we are sometimes doctor visits don't seem appropriate yet.

But, regardless of the circumstances, it has been hard.

And I want to talk about it because I think it will help.

This past week I had been hope-filled and dreamy-eyed. I thought I was pregnant. Nearly every classic symptom of pregnancy appeared to be taking its course so, with a hop and a skip and a merry heart, I bought two pregnancy tests.

The boxes tell you not to read the test after ten minutes but my sister, who has a beautiful 5 month bouncing, baby boy, read a positive only after the set time limit. So I assumed it was okay. Ten minutes after the timeline, a faint positive became visible in the tiny, plastic circle and with the visibility my heart leapt. I had thought I was pregnant at 3 different times within our short marriage so I was used to disappointment. But this time was different. I had a teeny-tiny-faint positive.

And my heart secretly soared.

I waited till the end of the week to try the second test. Like the first, it came out negative; in an effort to move on from my sadness I busied myself with prayer and tidying our house. Twenty minutes later I returned to find that a huge, big blue positive line had appeared. I began to plan how I was going to tell my husband the special news and began to put baby names together.

And then the bleeding began. I told myself it was simply the implantation phase; the natural process of the fertilized egg nestling into its new home. Natural. Good. Expected.

After waking up to the beginning of a normal period, I spoiled the surprise, nervously dressed, held hands with my steady man while picking out three tests and headed home.

The reading?

Negative.

I felt so stupid. How could I convince myself that I was pregnant after two originally negative tests and traditional pms symptoms? How could I be crying over my naivety? How could God have let me believe that I was pregnant? With the sweetness and goodness of a true man, Dalton held me, encouraged me, blessed me, and reminded me that birth is in God's capable, good hands. Of course, I knew that; I had faith in God and His timing.

But then I realized something very important.

Faith isn't faith unless it can withstand the valleys, mountains, and struggles.

Remember the Israelites and their journey through the desert? Very few of their company could be called men of faith; men of faith journeyed knowing that they would get to the Promised Land even when the food bags were sagging with emptiness and the last watering holes were three days backwards. Men of faith knew that the God Who had parted the sea would also keep His word. Men of faith didn't lose heart. And today, this very faith in God is demanded of us.

"Take heed, brethren, lest there be in any of you an evil heart of unbelief, in departing from the living God. But exhort one another daily, while it is called To day; lest any of you be hardened through the deceitfulness of sin. For we are made partakers of Christ, if we hold the beginning of our confidence stedfast unto the end; " Hebrews 3

Doubt is a very natural response to life's struggles and I am thankful to know that even our Lord Jesus was tempted with it and understands us. There is no condemnation in struggling with unbelief; but, for me, I wasn't doubting God's ability or timing in giving us a baby. I was doubting His goodness and His love. My inner man cried out saying, "Why, when I am living a life following Him would He deny me my heart's desire?" And that is where I want to encourage you, sweet one, if you are in the same boat.

Remember that God is good. O taste and see that the Lord is good: blessed is the man that trusteth in him -- words the psalmist wrote long ago still ring true today. God is good even when life has disappointments and the way is long and the road full of pot-holes and steep ditches. He is good even when your pregnancy tests say positive but the science says negative and He is good even though your week-long dream becomes another example of your vivid imagination.

So yes, it has been a long journey.

A long, marvelous, God-filled journey.

And I am okay ... at least I will be.

I don't mean for this to be a sad tale or turn into a pity party; there are so many sisters in Christ who are struggling with this issue (and in much more painful ways). I also don't want to be accused of being foolish for not visiting a doctor. Like I said before, I am healthy and well and at this time I am more than okay with letting time take its course. I may change my mind but for now I am happy and content with that.

I just want to be able to talk about it and not feel silly. Because this pain I feel? It's real. And it affects both Dalton and I.

More than anything, I want it to be a growing experience. I want to walk away from these difficulties and be able to say that my faith grew, my heart expanded, and my love multiplied.

With love, blessings, and coffee,

p.s.

Sometimes learning to talk out your feelings can be embarrassing and really, really hard. Thankfully, I have an amazing husband ready to encourage my heart and dry my eyes, family who love no matter what, and friends like you ... who bring authentic sunshine into my life. :) Blessings to you!

My Misunderstandings of the Character of God

As a Christian have you ever felt dried out, broken or bitter toward God when following His will and Word is difficult to do or at least feels like it?

            I have.

            Until I was struck with a very important, life-changing idea.

            God is love and He loves it when I obey Him.

            See, I had a very misconstrued concept of who my Abba Daddy was. Even though I proclaimed God to be a loving Father I saw Him as a displeased, distant judge. Even though I knew He was the Good Shepard I believed His hands were the heavy-handed kind, not given to the gentle touch I often need.

            I haven’t always had this view of the character of God but lately I have struggled with huge amounts of condemnation, fear, and doubt. I knew I loved God but felt like I didn’t feel love. And sadly, when I don’t feel something I often have a hard time doing it even if it is the right thing. Besides, if God is a severe ruler who will not be pleased, why try? I’ve had employers who would not be pleased with my best efforts; their attitude made even the most pleasant tasks unenjoyable and difficult to follow through with. I felt like God resembled those same employers … and it made me want to quit.

            Thankfully, God changed my view. I have been reading through Sarah Young’s Jesus Calling and came across a very powerful page which read,

            “Relax in My healing presence. As you spend time with Me [God], your thoughts tend to jump ahead to today’s plans and problems. Bring your mind back to Me for refreshment and renewal. Let the Light of My Presence soak into you as you focus your thoughts on Me. Thus I equip you to face whatever the day brings. This sacrifice of time pleases Me and strengthens you. Do not skimp on our time together. Resist the clamor of tasks waiting to be done. You have chosen what is better, and it will not be taken away from you.”

            I realized, quite suddenly, that God could be pleased. Even before I was born He loved me. He had called me out of this world to be His daughter … surely, He wouldn’t show such care if He in fact did not care. And while my own good works were not enough to deliver me from death His were. Thank the Lord He does not see my own efforts but Jesus Christ’s, the Son of God who died and rose again for me! Not only has He delivered me from the power of sin but He has given me work to do and He is pleased by my obedience and love! What a good God we serve!

            I know that these concepts are very basic. But if you are one of God’s people who struggle with condemnation and even anger with the difficulty in obeying God’s commands then realizing that He truly loves you and cares for you can make His ways light and a delight to do.

            I can testify that “blessed is the man … whose delight is in the law of the Lord.”

                        With so much love!

                                    Frannie

Writing Inspiration

Literary Birthday - 20 March

Happy Birthday, Lois Lowry, born 20 March 1937

Lois Lowry: Seven Quotes On Writing

1.      Reading is the best way to learn to write well. Read as much as you can. Think about what you read: how the author made it interesting, or funny, or suspenseful. And write as much as you can, too.

2.      It doesn’t matter where you live. The important thing is what you absorb from your surroundings. To be a keen observer….to see and ponder and weigh….to hear the cadence of speech and notice the shrugs and gestures and the way the eyebrows lift or the lip curls…to perceive human relationships and how they work (or don’t)….all of that is what makes a writer. You could live in the same small town for 50 years and have all of that available.

3.      Keep a journal. Get together with friends who enjoy writing, and read things aloud to each other and talk about them.

4.      I write books because I have always been fascinated by stories and language, and because I love thinking about what makes people tick. Writing a story is simply an exploration of the nature of behaviour: why people do what they do, how it affects others, how we change and grow, and what decisions we make along the way.

5.      I was lucky that I grew up in a family that valued books. I went to the library all the time starting at about age 5 or 6. My mom read to me. I read to myself.

6.      My personal opinion is that you should not worry about ‘being published’. You should enjoy writing, and writing more and more, so that you become better at it. I always sort of cringe when I hear, ‘I want to be a published writer’ from a kid. I’d rather hear, ‘I love to write’.

7.      I sit at my desk every day. I do the New York Times crossword puzzle. I watch the park through my window. My CD player plays music, usually classical (at this moment, it’s a violin concerto). I sip coffee. I type words into my computer. I retype them, rearrange them, and delete them, and retype them again and again. The phone rings. The dog woofs to go out. I get up and refill my coffee cup. Then I look at the words I’ve written and I rearrange them again. Eventually, somehow, a story is put together. There isn’t anything magical. It’s a lot of hard work, a lot of fun, and a lot of waiting for the words.

Lowry is an American children’s writer. She began her career as a photographer and a freelance journalist during the early 1970s. Her first children’s book, A Summer to Die, was published in 1977 when she was 40. She has written more than 30 books for children and published an autobiography. Number the Stars and The Giver both won the Newbery Medal.

by Amanda Patterson for Writers Write