Dear Diary, I've been feeding my flesh . . . again.

Beep. Beep. Beep . . . I turn over to a sunshine filled bedroom and realize that, once again, I've slept in. Irritated, I crawl out of bed and go to turn off the alarm clock which has been dutifully alarming since--oh, I'm too ashamed to say. I may as well get dressed and begin my day

Once dressed I look at my schedule. Hmm . . . it reads, "Quiet Time." A quick battle arises in my mind: I'm already behind and don't really feel like spending time with God. Not after the bad attitude I had yesterday. So instead I begin my chores--I love working around the house. But why do I feel so unhappy and restless today? Maybe it's because of the hazy, white sky outside; I'll just turn more lights on and some music. That feels better . . . for a little bit. Lunch time rolls around but I'm not hungry. Let's hope my loss of appetite isn't due to my unruly snacking. I plod about my day riding a roller coaster; some moments I'm up and other moments I'm down. Even Daddy realizes I'm missing my usual joy; I tell him it's just because of my cold.

I am a born-again daughter of the King of Kings; a sinner saved by His grace given an amazing inheritance. But there's one problem: my self life is reigning. It's a bit embarrassing to write something so personal. I'm the Christian girl who loves to be an example; I'm the young woman who has hopes and dreams of marriage and a home of her own . . . the one who thinks she's ready for a dream like that.

 And yet, it's moments like this--moments when I am fully aware that I am living for self--that I realize I have a lot of work to do.

"If any man will come after me, let him deny himself, and take up his cross, and follow me. For whosoever will save his life shall lose it: and whosoever will lose his life shall find it."

A life of self seems to satisfy for the moment but oh the havoc it ends in. When I "let loose" my thought life and my eating habits, when I waste my time in foolish pursuit (and movies), when I begin to slack in my devotion time, when I feed my flesh and all its whims, I begin to lose. Lose my life. My joy. My peace. My quick conscience. My contentment. My vision. My close relationship with Jesus.

I am so thankful that "if we confess our sins, he is faithful and just forgive our sins, and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness." I am fully aware that it is not my good works that save me but at the same token I know "that to whom ye yield yourselves servants to obey, his servants ye are to whom ye obey; whether of sin unto death, or of obedience unto righteousness."  I hope to learn from what the Holy Spirit graciously revealed to me, repent, and with a teachable spirit move on in Christ.

Written with love,

Frannie